My first blog post on my new website launching a new chapter in my career and I want to write about the value of failure. Part of me is thinking “Seriously? Is this really how you want to start?” and "doesn’t seem a bit ominous?" Luckily this part of me is now small. The rest of me knows that I wouldn't be where I am without my failures. And today I’m here to share my most recent one which I’ve come to think of as a stepping stone and a huge lesson. Or rather lessons. Plural. Cause there were many and valuable. But I didn't always think like that.
The Experience
Growing up I witnessed successes being celebrated, shared, rewarded (not all of them - just the big ones - my environment had high standards and strict criteria). The failures on the other hand, the things that didn't go the way we planned or wanted, were not to be shared. These were for internal consumption. Successes were trophies we displayed and were never enough. Failures carried mistakes and guilt within them. They were thorns that hurt and bricks that built the walls of our fears. Failures were caution stories - for each new venture. So that you don't repeat them. I learned to gain validation from my successes and to hide, change, fix—as quickly as possible—my failures. The second scenario also meant carrying a burden and a voice of self-punishment that always told me that "I should have known better", "I should have chosen more wisely", "I should have foreseen it"... "I should’ve been better". Of course that didn't stop me from making mistakes or failing. As Roosevelt said, "The only person who never makes a mistake is the one who never does anything." And I did and still do a lot. So the only thing this mindset gave me was to take my mistakes seriously, beat myself up and rush to correct them, often having knee-jerk reactions. Oh! And to be afraid. Afraid that my mistake will cost me, my job, my relationship, my status. Because mistakes cost. Another harmful belief I carried, not by chance. Like I said, this was my life’s experience.
A Crack In The Wall
My first exposure to a different mindset, one that faced failure as a stepping stone to growth and mistakes as a learning opportunity, came in a professional setting. I know it sounds odd but there are some pretty amazing, secure people out there who thankfully create companies and cultivate beautiful values. And I’ve been lucky enough to work with a few of them. So in a professional setting for the first time, I experienced a group of people not panicking when making mistakes as I was and instead taking a step back and calmly looking at what they could fix and, most importantly, how they would learn from it. They were interested not in avoiding making mistakes, they were certain that mistakes would be made, but what they could take from the experience in order for them to improve. For the first time I saw people facing their failures not with judgment but with curiosity. “What can I get from this?” “What’s the lesson behind this experience?” They truly believed that mistakes and failures are a human thing to do and an inevitable part of every game and process. This group practically taught me the "trial + error" method which basically is trying to find the best way to achieve a desired result, by repeated, varied attempts and noting and eliminating errors or causes of failure on the way. The purpose here is not to avoid failure but to learn each time and to keep trying. To view each of your failures not as an obstacle, but a lesson and a step towards your next attempt. Until you succeed.
It Takes Time
If you think that after this one first positive experience my mentality changed and I saw everything differently, I'm afraid I’ll disappoint you. In real life a mindset that has been built over time needs time and conscious effort to change. Because in case you didn’t know, our minds don't like changes at all. So what I'm trying to say is that it took time, work with myself and my therapist, and a lot of tests. With the latest one being the biggest so far.
Navigating Failure
Long story short, what happened in the last few years is that at some point I decided to leave my safe job, which btw I hated, and which had already given me a burnout, and to invest what money, time and energy I had in creating an eshop. Which didn't go well...it flopped. Financially. On a different note, it gave me the opportunity to develop new skills, discover talents I didn't know I had, connect with people with similar interests, get to know myself better, open up to new sources of knowledge, start new studies, and actually get me where I am now. Which is all so amazing! But like I said, financially it fell flat. Which resulted in me hearing things like 'if my venture is not profitable it has failed, and so have I'." That I threw away my money, my time and energy". "That I don't work" (because work is only what brings you profit, and I obviously had a hobby of paying taxes, being on my pc all day creating content and coming up with new ideas). Since I failed, why don't I give up the idea of doing something of my own and get back to working for someone else? Seriously, why did I leave my secure job, I was just fine there? - I wasn’t!-. And in the end you don't need to love or even like your job, it's just a job (no- no and noooo!). Generally what I was hearing was that something that didn't work out for me, somehow defines me and I'd better go back to safety and what I used to do, because if I continue with new ventures the future is unknown, uncertain and with my history probably unsuccessful. And because like I said before mindsets don't change overnight for a while all this talk had an effect on me. So, I got scared, panicked, stressed, and froze, (yes of three stress responses, my nervous system chose to freeze this time). And although I could have saved something (financially at least) I got so stuck that while I realized that what I was doing was not working, I kept fighting for it instead of just letting it go and taking the next step sooner than later. Why? Because by then I had come to believe that the end of my venture would confirm all the negative talk I’ve come to internalize.
Pivoting
Needless to say, I was wrong. The end of the first business venture came but it actually gave me more than it took away. Because in the meantime I took some distance from any voice and influence that didn't feel it supported my growth. I appreciated all the wonderful new things I learned during this time and realized that what some call a waste of time or money for me was and is an investment. To myself and my goals. Most importantly I realized that I can no longer let myself be identified by successes or failures, especially when these concepts are defined by others. That success and failure means different things for each person (or at least it should), and personally during this past time besides the many practical skills I developed, I saw myself managing my stress better, smiling through difficulties, falling and getting back up to working towards my goals and discovering an inner strength I didn't even know I had in me. I practically learned that I can fail, make mistakes and that it doesn't mean the end of the world. It doesn't even mean anything to me. For the first time I am actually experiencing what that beautiful group of people started teaching me years ago. To not be afraid to fall, to make mistakes, to fail. To expect that these will happen. And to take these experiences and instead of making them walls to protect me from the next similar ones, turn them into stepping stones to level up and face the next ones better. Now tell me, isn't that priceless?
Celebrating
I wrote at the beginning that today I am making a fresh new start. And it's great. But it wouldn't be possible without all the lessons from the previous years. I would be where I am if something hadn't "gone completely wrong". And I have no idea how my "new venture" will go, I only know my intentions, but today with this post, I want to somehow celebrate the journey so far. The uncomfortable, the unpleasant, the things that didn't go the way I thought or I wanted at that moment only to bring me to a place I like more. The knowledge that perhaps this too is a step and not the end. And to invite you with this to embrace all the things that didn’t go as planned or as you wished for in your own life. To find the valuable lessons in them and learn from the experience. At the end of the day I honestly believe there is no failure, there are only experiences and it is up to us what we do with them.