When was the last time you really felt like… yourself? Not the filtered version. The “be polite, don’t rock the boat” version, the one that takes a deep breath before speaking.
The other one. The unfiltered, slightly inappropriate-for-family-dinners version. The one that doesn’t ask anyone for permission.
Maybe it was while you were with people who feel for you and you don't need to cut off thoughts and words in half.
Maybe it was while dancing alone on a random Tuesday afternoon, on a trip that reminded you that you exist, or when you claimed something you really wanted, without negotiating with your inner judge.
In those moments?
That’s you. Whole.
No trimming corners. No shrinking yourself to fit.
Then… there are the other moments.
A disapproving glance.
A “condescending” comment from your partner or family, that cuts deeper than intended.
A silence that speaks louder than words. And just like that… you shrink.
Not because you’re scared.
Because there’s an old program inside you that’s activated at the smallest trigger:
“Don’t disturb anyone"
“Don’t provoke.”
“Don’t be too much.”
It’s not insecurity. It’s self-abandonment. It’s the cost of being the “good girl.”
The Price of Being ‘Liked’
You probably already felt what I'm about to tell you, but you haven't said it out loud because, you know... "let's not stir up trouble."
Every time you adjust to keep someone happy, hide your truth to be “liked,” or avoid rejection, you pay with a small piece of yourself.A precious piece. It doesn’t disappear… it just retreats. Slowly, quietly, and over time it atrophies. Along with your energy.
This is how the "good girl" is born.
The acceptable version of you who:
- Agrees to avoid being “difficult.”
- Says “yes” while screaming “NO” inside
- Smiles while swearing in her head.
- Apologizes even when she hasn’t done anything wrong — just for existing.
- Lowers her voice to avoid being “too much.”
- Shrinks to not threaten anyone.
- Chooses safety over truth… because truth is scary.
And somewhere along the line, you start dying inside — slowly, politely, with a smile. Meanwhile, everyone else loves and accepts you. Congrats, I guess.
Who Were You Before the World Told You Who to Be?
Have you ever noticed children before we “train” them to be socially acceptable? They are disarmingly honest, unrepentantly spontaneous, and with an intuition that works better than a GPS. But somewhere around the age of eight, while your brain was soaking up everything like a sponge, you learned that being yourself is not safe.
Maybe you were “too” happy, and someone said: “Calm down, don’t make a fuss.”
Maybe they called you “too sensitive,” when you just felt deeply.
Maybe they told you to “be realistic” when you dared to dream (the best recipe for never doing anything exciting)
Or maybe… you were just you. And that didn’t fit the adults’ expectations.
And that’s how your first survival program was born: “Adjust to be safe.” You wrote it into your nervous system as a default setting,not because it was the “right” choice, but because at the time, it was the only one that gave you security.
And you never forgot. That's why now, every time you disagree, when someone rejects you or walks away, your body panics as if you're pressing a red button:
DANGER. REJECTION. DEATH. (Thanks, childish subconscious, always a drama queen.)
Because for a child, rejection means death.
Except, guess what…now you're not a kid anymore. You're an adult. And the game has changed.
Surviving is no longer the goal. Living, fully, completely, is.
Patterns That Keep You Trapped
As a coach, I see it over and over again. Smart, talented, strong women who don’t remember what it feels like to be themselves,who have learned to shrink. They struggle with the same patterns, just in different packaging. Maybe you recognise some:
“If I do something, it has to be perfect.”
- You procrastinate. Afraid to being seen as “less than.”
- You focus on your flaws and mistakes.
- You keep things on hold until they’re “just right.”
“Saying no makes me selfish”
- You become available to everyone.
- You give, save, soothe — and end up empty and in some cases resentful.
- You overcommit.
“If I ask for help, I will become a burden”
- You play strong while sinking inside.
- You downplay problems until they’re “fixed.”
- You give too much and take too little to keep up the illusion of being easy and “low-maintenance.”
“Talking about my success will make others uncomfortable.”
- You downplay achievements: “It’s nothing,” “I was just lucky,” “I had help.”
- You hide victories to avoid jealousy or being called arrogant.
- You shrink your “light” — financially, professionally, emotionally — so others won’t feel threatened
“I’m responsible for everyone else’s feelings.”
- You tiptoe around, watching everyone’s mood to prevent conflict.
- You apologize for things that aren’t your responsibility.
- You feel guilty when others are upset, as if it’s your fault.
“Conflict means I did something wrong.”
- You back down fast to end tension, even when you’re right.
- You avoid expressing disagreement, pretending everything’s fine.
- You feel shame or anxiety after any confrontation.
Did you see yourself?These aren’t flaws. They’re survival mechanisms. But freedom and safety don’t share a room.
The Moment Everything Changes
At some point, every woman in touch with herself faces a choice: Stay the “acceptable version,” the safe, predictable, trapped “good girl”? Or become her true self?
No drama. Just one decision: “I will never betray myself for anyone’s comfort again.”
And then… everything shifts.
Returning to Yourself
Here’s the unpopular truth: this shift won’t happen with affirmations.Or moodboards. Or motivational TikToks. It starts with noticing:
- When you say “yes” but scream “no” inside.
- How your body reacts when you suppress something.
- How it feels to be authentic, even if others feel awkward.
The truth is that when you stop being the “good girl,” you won’t immediately feel free. Don’t expect fireworks.
At first you will feel guilty.
Then uncomfortable. And then... that small, almost sacred moment will come, when you say “no” in a clear and calm voice. And you will feel a small “click” inside you. This is freedom. Not the spectacular one, the quiet one. The real one.
Remembering Who You Really Are
What follows is not self-improvement.Seriously now you are not some project that needs improvement. It is a reminder. A reconnection. A return to that authentic, unpretentious version of you, the woman who is not afraid to laugh out loud, to speak her mind, to be wrong.
Imagine walking into a room and feeling at home in your own skin.
To make choices without needing approval.
To set boundaries without guilt, to claim without shame, to take space without apologizing. And most of all, to be calm, to breathe. To not play roles, to be.
The Work That Changes Everything
If I were to give you one tool, it would be this:
Reflection + Presence + Alignment.
Ο Reflection is that objective but tender look that shows you where you abandoned/are abandoning yourself. Where you said “yes” while you were boiling inside. Where you hid your truth so as not to spoil anyone's mood.
Η Presence is tuning into your body, noticing tension, shallow breath, fear — then soothing it, showing yourself safety.
And alignment…that’s where the magic lies. It’s the moment when you act according to what you feel and need, not what you “should.”
That's were coaching helps. Not to create a new persona,but to build awareness. To stop “working on yourself” and start being yourself. Not when everyone loves you, but when you love yourself even knowing not everyone will. Because at the end of the day, it’s not about being good, it’s about being real. And no, it doesn’t mean you stop caring about your loved ones. It means you stop betraying yourself to keep them comfortable.
And that first calm, guilt-free “no”? That’s your first real “yes” — to your wants, your needs, your life.